just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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