I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
