sarcasm needs its own font
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
