help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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