I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
