Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
