Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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