I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
