You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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