you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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