Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Pants 0. Shit 1.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
