a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
You left your phone here
Wait...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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