I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
