you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
