you told grandpa to call you daddy
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
