My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
