I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
