I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
