I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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