I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
