Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
