so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
