i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
