I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
