im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
