3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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