ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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