i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
