You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
