You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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