Fuck appropriateness.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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