I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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