I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
