bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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