why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
