I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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