I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
