dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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