the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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