You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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