I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
please don't ironically join a cult
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