so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
