I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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