I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
