JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
