You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
