I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
