Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
