Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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