The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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