i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
