tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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