I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you didnt know i had herpes?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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