i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Randomize
