last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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