i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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