I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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