I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
