i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
