On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
