Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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