I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
